Story time: Losing my panties in Walgreens

So I was driving along the road today and I happened to drive through an old part of Houston I used to visit often and it reminded me of the day I almost had to ditch my panties in Walgreens. It gave me such a good laugh I decided I needed to share it with all of you....also please keep in mind I am NOT an artist in any shape or form but I feel like my little iPhone doodles really help you get a good mental image of this event in my life...... I digress........

Years ago before my boyfriend and I started living together we would schedule regular date nights where we would meet after work for dinner or drinks. You know, whatever to keep the romance alive and also kept us sane during the work week. I was heavier in those days and would have to wear a girdle regularly to work to smooth out my shit and also to keep my undies up when I wore a dress. You see, I have suffered from NHNAS (no hips no ass syndrome) all my life. It gets worse when I gain weight so at this point in my life I think I was at my peak. To give you a visual I literally looked like Hank Hill. You know that episode where he injures his butt cheek because they're concave and the cheeks overlap? LOL Anyway, you get the point....and if not here is a photo for reference.

Anyway, we're at dinner one night, I've eating too much and the girdle is literally smooshing the life out of me. I am at that level of sick discomfort where I don't know if I am going to puke or fart and I need immediate relief. So I head to the restroom, and I decide it's time to ditch this medieval device of elastic horror and just relax since I only have to drive home. Everything is fine for the rest of the time at the restaurant, luckily since I am sitting down the underwear adjustments are minimal. Everything was fine until when we were leaving the restaurant my mom calls me and says my son is complaining of an upset stomach and there's no pepto bismol in my cabinet. I told her no worries, I will stop by the store on the way home since I am sure to pass a few.

So I pull into a Walgreens and as soon as I get out of the car and start walking in I know I have made a very serious mistake. Before I even finish walking through the parking lot and make it into the store I have already tried to adjust my panties twice. I can feel the lace top strip slowly moving down the secure space at the top of my butt cheek and slowly creep down to an uncomfortable spot. I thought, should I turn around and go back to my car? Or should I just clench my cheeks and try to keep it together? I chose the latter with the illusion I was super woman and I had cheeks of steel.

About 3 minutes into the store I realize my mistake. The underwear are slowly taunting me with their slow creep down my cheeks. I'm doing my best to clench things together to hold on to my dignity but it's looking more and more like that is not going to work for me. I look up for the sign to show me where the children's medicines are and I realize it's on the back wall. AWESOME. Walking back to the end of the aisle I can feel the beads of sweat starting to form at the end of my back. All I can think about is the panties that are about to fall to the floor in front of everyone. I quickly locate the Immodium but I know my kid hates the flavor and that's not even what I need anyway. I look left, right, then left again. Searching searching searching for the children's Pepto Bismol. Anything, even the damn generic Walgreens brand will work at this point. Just let me find the bottle and get the hell out of this hell hole! But nothing I can't find a thing. At this point the underwear have dropped below my hips and I am holding them on with prayer and positive vibes. I am actually very thankful for that half of a squat challenge I did 2 months prior to this. I thought to myself, if only I had finished the squat challenge, maybe I wouldn't have been in this predicament. But I snap myself out of it, because shit is real right now. This is do or die. I refuse to lose my damn panties in Walgreens.

So I duck into the school supply isle and try to pull the sides up. This works for about a moment but because I can't get the right pull action going, it just makes things worse and lets the sides roll into little faux string bikini looking sides. Great. Just FUCKING great. So now I need to find something that will work for my kid and get the hell out. I look back to the wall and on the bottom shelf I see a little pink box. SCORE. I waddle over and reach down. Oops there they go another inch down my leg. Put I grab the box and SHIT. Someone has opened it.I pull out the bottle to see if they've opened the bottle too and yep that's been opened too. Apparently someone was really hard up for some Pepto, at this point I can identify with their desperation. A small girl who worked there obviously saw my distress and asked me if I needed help. Me? Need help? Hell yes I do! I explain their lack of the pink gold I am looking for and she starts looking behind other boxes and bending down to check around. The seconds feel like an eternity and my butt cheeks are screaming at me because I've never put them to work like this before in my life. The right cheek is particularly angry but I don't have time to complain. This little girl is spider monkeying all over the place looking for this pepto bismol and meanwhile I can literally feel my undies trying to jump for freedom and the sweat is starting to pool at the back of my neck. Good lord why is this taking so long??? I tell myself to chill out and think of ways to pull myself together.......the bathroom is on the opposite side of the store right now. I'd lose them before I even got there. I could duck into one of the isles and just kick them off, but the little girl helping me would wonder what the hell I was doing and probably come after me. About 30 seconds of this goes by and I start to lose hope of this ending well. I figure what the hell I've had a good run, this is a decent way to go out....and start looking behind me at the isles. Unfortunately, now theres a mom with 2 kids in the isle behind me. I don't want to scar the children for life. The next isle over, some dude is looking at the as seen on TV stuff, I know from experience he will be there a while. Just as I'm about to just reach under my skirt and rip them off and abandon all hope for a decent exit. When finally the girl finds a generic bottle somewhere. I thank her over and over again and start to make my way to the front to check out.

The steps to the counter feel like miles every two steps is another half inch down my butt cheek. When I finally get there I have officially lost the panty off the cheek completely and it is now hanging by my crotch and thigh muscles alone. There's 3 people in front of me and all of these people are moving at a glacial pace. Searching for their Walgreens cards, looking for gum to add on to their purchases, I mean the works. I look down and I am laughing at myself because I am actually knock kneed trying to keep these things up. Inch by inch I can see my freedom beckoning me from the sliding exit doors. I speed through my purchase thank the cashier and head for the exit. I don't think I have never been more appreciative of the exit ding in my life. I continued to waddle my way through the parking lot and all the way to my car. By this time The panties have officially started to show from under my dress but I literally don't give a shit at this point and I need to get in my car and leave this place and this memory forever.

When I get in my car I could not rip the undies off fast enough. I threw them into my purse in the back seat and gunned it home. I didn't want to risk any parking lot weirdos seeing me in my panty throwing glory and get any ideas. I got home in time to rock my little one to sleep and make sure he was ok. And I vowed to never wear those panties that don't stay in place. VPL be damned I don't give a shit.

And that was the time I almost lost my panties in Walgreens.